Tuesday, 1 March 2011

The Bedroom Woes

I had finally laid my head to rest after a hard day at the office. My body was weary and my mind was a mess of repetitive thoughts about random nothings I had to get done. I was in heaven (well the closest i could get to it on earth anyway). Let me explain, you see my bedroom is my sanctuary! Some people like their sitting room with their 52" plasma HD TV's, some their kitchen with its top of the range gas cooker, but for me it has to be my bedroom. It has unequivocally the most comfortable bed in the provence. But this is no random act of nature or fluke of the gods, It took me weeks of planning to get to its current decadence. Firstly, the mattress was bought and only the cream of the crop, or in this case, the most boyant of the lot was chosen. There is a fine art to choosing a mattress you know! A hell of a lot of careful consideration goes in to it. Oh and offcourse, theres a whole lot of lieing around in furniture stores on random mattresses feeling like a bit of a twat (just make sure you dont take a nap, now THAT would be embarassing!!). After careful analysis of mattress styles: extra firm, pocket sprung, memory foam, natural latex (and no, durex have not turned to mattress making...) I decided on mine, it was to be a silentnight, firm but not too firm, memory foam king size mattress. Secondly, I set out on recreating a hotel style bed that I had once stayed on in a fancy four star hotel in LA. My duvet had to be carefully selected too. Luckily for me, Harry Corry were having a sale and I managed to bag myself a bargain of a king size duvet for half the retail price. I figured I might as well go all out and get pillows too but that wasnt such a good idea. I woke up looking like that actress off the excorcist when she had been possessed by that demon and embarks on destroying her face. I thought I'd picked up some weird habit of scratching the face off myself in my sleep when actually it was the feathers in the duvet breaking through the cover to reak havoc on my poor unsuspecting, sleeping head! Now for the duvet covers. Yes I know, this is getting a bit extreme and downright expensive! Well 100% egyptian cotton is the only way to go its durable and so, so soft. A few silk multi colored pastel cushions thrown in to top it all off along with an electric blanket and my bed was finally complete. Basically, as beds go, mine rocks!! But back to me laying my head down to rest. I had finally got to my bed, had just turned on the electric blanket and picked up a book to read when I smelled something. Something that smelt distinctly like, sniff, yes i think so, sniff, no definitely, it smelt like cod liver oil!!!! My senses recoiled in horror at the prospect of having actual cod liver oil on my bed! I was repulsed to the point of jumping up and tearing the sheets off the bed to find the source of the stench. Underneath the mattress topper lay two yellow soft gel tablets. One of which looked like it had been flattened by a roller (more likely my ass) and the contents of which had oozed out to form a large copper circle the size of a basketball! I again recoiled in disgust and with absolute confusion as to how the hell they got there in the first place?! I dont even take cod liver oil tablets. A stream of ideas entered my head 'had someone planted them there to sabotage was amazingly comfortable bed?' ah who'd bother I thought to myself ' how about if they fell out of someones bag?' but how would they end up under the mattress topper?. I couldnt fathom how they'd got there in the first place. To this day I have never figured out who has sabotaged my beautiful bed and suppose I never will!!

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