Sunday, 10 January 2010

What a load of bahumbug!!

Who really has the time or inclination to sit around detangling Christmas lights? I would gladly pay someone a small fortune to take this odious task off my hands. In fact if there is anyone out there who would like to volunteer for the job then please let me know, because I'm willing to pay top banana to whoever the poor bastard is!! Iv been sitting here for what seems like a life time trying to unravel my once new, but now very decrepit looking Christmas tree lights. I'm no better off nearly a half hour in to the task, have a stress headache and they still look like multicolored, neon spaghetti. It really does make you wonder about all the time we spend putting up decorations, cooking mince pies (or buying if your lazy like me), and preparing the Christmas turkey? Is it really worth all that hassle when all your left with at the end of it is a sink full of dirty dishes and a sorry looking tanglement of fairy lights? Ooh i know don't be a scrooge you say? But really have a think about the whole build up to Christmas. The constant unrelenting Christmas jingles, writing cards to practical strangers and that mad last minute shopping spree that you swore last year you wouldn't ever do again for those last few forgotten gifts! Off-course we cant forget about re-mortgaging the house to pay for all those expensive presents. When the day does arrive it comes and goes quicker than an orgasm leaving us dazed, confused and very fucking broke while we wonder was that it?

How I wish I was a kid again. Back then my only responsibility was to watch the milk and cookies until Santa got his fat ass down the chimney with my latest, must have, piece of shit Barbie doll.I hadn't a care in the world! After ripping my gifts asunder I'd run of with my brothers toys because they were way cooler than my Barbie and my boring little pony. I'd plonk my ass in front of the TV for the afternoon ,with my second selection box of the day, until my diligent mother served me dinner. Wow, in retrospect, we really did have the life of bleedin Reilly! Now I'm sitting here swearing at plastic x-mas tree bobbles which I'm seriously considering flinging in the bin. However, there is another side to Christmas that i cant deny. It's that magic feeling we get this time of year when the hyperactive child in all of us is awakened! We start lobbing snowballs at each other and stuffing our gobs with endless amounts of mince pies despite their amazing ability to shrink our waistbands! All our worries seem minimized by the festive feel that everything exudes, even the toilet seems more cheerful! So maybe all that preparation and thoughtfulness was worth it after all. Especially, when we see the kiddies little faces light up like halogen lamps when they see what Santa brought them. However, I cant stay too bahumbug about Christmas for too long despite my pessimistic ramblings. After-all, It does only come once a year and i can chuck these sorry looking fairy lights in the bin with a view of buying more next year when the Yuletide juices are once again flowing! Whilst I'm sitting here contemplating all this I catch a glimpse of a half empty box of mince pies and smile to myself conspirately sure whats the harm in one more?!!

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Why Don't You Try On My Size 13's For A Bit

Put yourself in a mans shoes: Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you are in fact a man. You look down and see your big hands, strong arms and big...erm well ladies you know what I'm getting at here now don't you? You have no doubts about your attractiveness or that the majority of women wear their hearts on their sleeves thus contacting you first, desperate for a date. So what do you do? It's quite simple really, you decide to take your sweet time replying, phoning or basically at any form of contact with them because in this way, you are in control. The desired result is as expected – They are begging for more, texting you, phoning and basically using any method of communication available to let you know they are yours. When they do text, you look at your watch and decide to reply after the football, gym or maybe not even at all. Then if your really cruel you text them in a few days when you feel like flirting because frankly your too busy today and couldn't be bothered to pick up your phone (oh so heavy right now!)to text back no matter how into them you really are! So the women keep texting and calling whilst you keep screening their texts, emails, facebook messages and/or missed phone-calls. When you finally do bother your ass to write back you don't have to wait long (oh around 40 secs) for a reply. You find this far too easy and boring! Following this you decide to move on and find a woman who has enough self respect and balls to play the game as is should be played! With a whole lot of of patience, cynicism, and downright cruelty. You might think I'm being a bit far fetched or pessimistic about the opposite sex but thats just your denial over-ruling your common sense. Off-course, there are always exceptions to the rule. Some men will in fact text or ring back accepting your cry for a date but lets be honest with ourselves here, how long do you stay interested for? A week, two maybe even a month if their lucky? I can bet that you get bored very quickly whilst your eyes and lips start to look for greener or more handsome pastures. So the point of all this is that to have a chance in hell of getting anywhere we must first realize that men are just as dispensable to us as we are too them. Hopefully we can avoid making the mistakes that cause them to go riding off into the sunset with some other woman who is just playing the game with some tact and a whole lot of tact!

Never text or make any sort of contact first: Ok, so here it is in a nutshell, when you text a man first you are translating to him that you are “Needy”. You are needing of his time, attention and acceptance! To a man it's all about the thrill of the hunt. They want to chase after you and be under no illusion's yes, it is, simply a game to them! Remember back in the stone age when they ran around in their loin-clothes hunting for that poor defenseless deer? Well they are still wearing those but they have been replaced by calvin klein boxers (if he has taste that is), they are still hunting for their prey aka us. We disrupt the man chases woman equilibrium when we text, ring, or do anything to contact them first resulting in their infinite boredom and an empty message inbox. I'm sure you have all experienced this at one time or another? So i ask you to take a moment and reflect on the preceding events to this unfortunate slap in the face! Did you text him first? or everyday? Or did you commit the immortal dating sin and ask him out on a date first?

Never reply too soon: Mr. Right or wrong has finally texted you. You compose yourself because if your like 99% of the female population you've been screaming so loud your house-mate thinks you've had some sort of freak kitchen accident. But what do you do now? Do you quickly write something witty and simple because your afraid he'll get bored? No, unless you want him to lose interest quicker than diarrhea that is! Instead take your time to read over what you have written. Imagine him reading your text. Try and make them suggestive like “so if your buying me a drink, ill buy you desert!” ok, ok so your thinking thats a bit slutty? But it is only a bit of fun and you don't really have to em well provide desert so to speak or do anything you don't want to. Its all a game and you are just trying to keep him interested long enough to get to know you.